Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
Life gets in the way of sexy Saturday sometimes
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
I don't know. Something about answering "what did you do on Sunday?" Seems odd when the reply is, painted, went to the grocery store, put a restraint device on my bed.
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
If you wear a peguin suit you MUST send me a picture!!!
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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