You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
I found him in his pink and white boxer out side the dorm hall and the only thing he said was "it wouldn't let me in"
i could've stared at her spine forever man..she was so deep, and she made a drink out of vodka and organic mangoo shit. i will find her and present that goddess with some fucking gummies
you're no longer allowed out of my sight at parties
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
Randomize
