considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
My favorite part was screaming to all my life by kc and jojo and just horribly failing
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
I'm a stupid stupid woman who is totally going to rock this holiday season dick drunk on that Ginger
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
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