We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
Idk. Im in a bed. the walls are wood. There's a deer mount.. im afraid to turn over and see who's next to me but he's violently cuddly.
I think I saw maybe 3 ugly girls the entire time we were there
Yea its like that frat house was built to keep fat chicks out of parties
do we own a ladder
We do not.
then how am i on the roof
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
Randomize
