I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
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It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
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He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
I'm telling you, this vagina is really making the rounds lately...
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
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