tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
It took me four clicks to get to 2009 on his profile. This can't work.
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
How many stacks you been grindin gangsta?
omg mom no
It's so blood brotha crip what be good
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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