Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
He walked in AS I was cumming. Now even my father knows I'm a squirter.
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
He ate me out while I stood on his bed drinking a Rainier.
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