Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
Walk of Shame. In a state park.
so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
is asking a girl out on a date while in another girls bed in poor taste?
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
Seriously though a big penis is like a puppy dog, or a sunny day or some other glorious thing
You are such a penis elitist
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
Please come to class. I miss you and I have a horse mask
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
