well recently, every guy I have hooked up with has been economy sized
I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
Was considering going to moonshine but I think I'm just gonna stay home and drink beer because there is no law against partial nudity here.
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
i don't care if you are my best friend. does not give you the right to describe how well my sister gives blowjobs.
how about your cousin?
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
