I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
Is it illegal to masterbate in an airport?
It's spring break, I'm sure it's ok.
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
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we have to get out to the bar earlier. all of the guys are already committed to the girls they're going home with.
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
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