I molested 6 butterflies tonight
You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
i just set an alarm for noon. fuck yes winter break.
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
I just pulled a piece of cookie out of my bra in the middle of class. I'm forever alone.
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
I'm not entirely sure how getting 'house drunk' turned into us getting trashed, being serenaded by karaoke and going out. But it needs to happen again.
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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