after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
She actually made an event on facebook for tomorrow when she does a pregnancy test, 8 people are attenting so far
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