why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
Yes perhaps we are both wrong. And did you call me bj girl?
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
I literally put my pussy on his sideburns, it was awkward
There's a lil minaj in everyone
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
You said dick pics aren't attractive
Random ones, from strangers, no. But a beautiful penis I know and love, absolutely :3
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
Randomize
