He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
Maybe he just has a boisterous penis
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
She keeps referring to it as an "us" Either she is seriously mistaken on what fuck buddies are or she learned another meaning of the word "us"
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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