There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
Saw a Delta Zeta recruitment poster today. On it, somebody added, "All you need is your daddy's credit card and a lack of self-respect."
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
Randomize
