Well if yoir are still awake and secided to drink... You may aswell drink
That text needs to switch to water.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
