On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
I'm so horny
I have no idea who this is, but I'm up for a lecture on self-respect
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
logically I know i should probably study somewhere outside my dorm room, but if I do that then I cant drink and smoke half as much while i study
Randomize
