Midget sex pt 2 tonight
At a place where you lie naked on a big pile of pillows and they feed you lobster. You eat it with your bare hands.
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
No.. It's totally over.. He deleted the poke I sent him.. That makes it official.
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
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