Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
He keeps bees of course he's weird
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
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