Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
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