i wish my penis had a tongue
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
We made a drinking game out of Project Runway. Gay guys are so fun.
i cant cry in cvs. not again.
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
How many layers of skin can you loose before it becomes bad?
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
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