I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
You would ignore him even if it wasn't NoManUary. It could be the Winter of a Thousand Dicks and you wouldn't talk to that guy.
The Winter of A Thousand Dicks sounds terrifying!!!
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
There is sex in the air. Be careful where you walk.
gave up morals for lent, so far it's actually been really easy.
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
