Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
We need somewhere to take these girls. Otherwise it's a orgy in the Mazda.
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
We created a neighborhood watchdog drinking game
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
I a very close black and white picture of my slightly erect penis and I blew it up put it in an art gallery for a show coming up and somebody bought it for 30 Grand!!!
Randomize
