I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
CNN just did a special on how to do heroin safely.. I recorded it for us
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
just peed on the 7/11 floor and casually left. Omg so drunk
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
Randomize
