The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
By getting ready I mean putting baby powder in my hair and possibly changing my pajamas to another pair of pajamas
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
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