i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
Randomize
