he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
you kept searching pizza on facebook and becoming a fan of each page dedicated to it
They want to listen to Lady Gaga while they puke.
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
Randomize