Lets drop out of school and be professionally skinny and drunk
There's a "art of the blow job" class in the city. We should go
Baby, I'm all set with that. That would be like trying to teach bruce lee how to kick someone in the head
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
Randomize
