My only options right now are Herpes, Gay, or Vanilla.
I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
Randomize
