Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
Needless to say they were not happy to find out that we braided their hair together, when one of them woke up needing to puke bad
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
she has no right to get mad at us for drinking during the wedding. she's the one that chose the bridesmaid dresses with pockets.
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
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