yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
i jus dunped the rest of my drink down the sink and tool my bra off. pretty sure this is the best decision for everybody.
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
A shower wasnt enough to wash off the shame but at least it took care off the blood.
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
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