apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
Call it a failed empirical study as to whether drugs would make her more interesting. or at least better in bed.
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
I wore my old cheerleading uniform.. He came before I even touched his dick. Should I be irritated, or flattered?
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
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