when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
How did it feel to just observe all the people blacking out usually you're on the other end of things
I felt like I was at the zoo
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
where are you guys?
stoned at his house watching water boil
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