my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
Please don't use social media to get back at me.
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
creepy tank top guy is at campus health. he's hitting on a girl recovering from a panic attack.
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
I think its pretty common. 1 out of every 4 people probably have a stripper's phone # in their phone.
. Drop what your doing. Were going to Knoxville for midget wrestling. It's the championship.we can NOT miss this.
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
So I totally had sex In a teepee last night at that wedding reception.
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
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