By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
you'd think with how big her nose is she'd have a better smelling pussy..
People are suprisingly accepting of someone doing a walk of shame in a toga...
I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
So..I walked into his bathroom and found a bong and a blender in the shower.....normal?
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
