i rewarded my self with tacobell for not throwing up on any one. MISTAKE
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
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