Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
Why do girls get to wear clothes that say "do me now" but guys don't have that kind of option?
I mean, what would the male equivalent of a slutty dress be?
I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
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