I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
she crossed my comfort zone...i thought i was a freak
said the guy with a pink sex swing...
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
Shame is for Republicans.
Randomize
