Swine flu. Run for my life!
Could guys at least pretend I require some amount of money to be spent before I randomly go down on them?
How you know a guy is gay: they say they would want money, not sexual favors, from emma watson
Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
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