Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
Correction: *I* watched JoJo's Bizarre adventure while he snored asleep on me cock still fully inside me.
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
Randomize
