Swine flu. Run for my life!
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
i woke up convinced that my room was backwards i tried to go into the closet to get outta my room
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She has a concussion we think. Dancing to barbie girl.
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
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