I got chris browned last night
i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
After 8 hours of circus trick sex, his parents are both hugging me and kissing me on the cheek asking when I'm coming back over. Score?
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
Randomize
