Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
We just saw him running from campus police a few minutes ago. So no, I don't think he's still passed out on the quad.
he matches the description of mystery hookup #2, 4, and 7
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
Yeah probably not. I have a hair appt, a gun class, and hopefully a boy to fuck. I'm booked.
Between having seen you naked and interpreting your values based on the occasional political FB post, you're no stranger for sure.
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
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