if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
So I am just swinging blind here, but I am guessing that blood in your sinus is not ideal
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
IF HE CAN'T EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT IN CLASS, I DOUBT THERE WILL BE OTHER FORMS OF CONTACT ON OUR FIRST NOT-A-DATE DATE
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
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