I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
She said she didn't want to have sex because she was so torn up about "this whole NBC thing."
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
