we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
The beers last night were like the tears from god
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
I was looking threw the photos on my phone. There is 8 different ones of us peeing on things.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Randomize
