Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
Her sex list was a LOT longer than mine. She tried to justify it by saying '4 of those don't count because they were in the gang bang'.
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Randomize
