Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
How much explanation does bbqsexapalooza need?
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
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