is it bad if i hope guys are like edward cullen and can read my mind. i could be a whore in disguise.
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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