So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
Just check with her if girls can get blown, that's all.
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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