Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
I don't even know what he looks like, all i've seen of him is his dick
the rest of him looks just as crooked
he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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