I am midnight drunk by noon
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
There's always time for handjobs
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
Alright, I've had enough of this good girl shit. Tonight you either blackout or backout.
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
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